Thursday, April 26, 2012

Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel....

So it's been a few months since I've last posted on my blog. I've thought about blogging and logging my thoughts and feelings through this process. I probably should have, seeing as now where I am. The past few months have been a ridiculous roller coaster ride... one that apparently has a lot of tunnels. I hate the feeling of not knowing where my life is going. Like.. tunnel vision. You walk blindly into it having no idea where to go or especially what's going to be on the other side. It feels like all your focus is what's out there and not where you're at in the moment. 

The past few months I've struggled with finances and my job, my health and my relationships. I've had people encourage me, and then moments where I've wondered if I need to stay put. But I started getting frustrated and thought maybe I do need to let this go.. this dream and desire to go back on the field. It was okay to do as a teenager, but maybe this adult life I've been wrapped up in for the past ten years is the more responsible place for me to be. So I told God that I was giving it to Him. All of it.. the frustrations, the daily battles, the desires, the hopes, the dreams, the planning, the worries.. all of it. I told Him that I couldn't live worrying constantly. Whatever His will was, I wanted it to be clear.. but I decided one thing: I was going to start fighting for my relationship with God. 

If you've read the first post, you kinda know the struggle over the past few years of feeling inadequate and not good enough. As a teen I was so close to God that I could hear His heartbeat. Oh, how I loved the pure peace and knowledge of being in His hands. And I had to jerk it all away and run with my life as if I knew what I was doing. Over the past few months, I've also had these feelings resurface. Maybe this wasn't going as smoothly because I had failed in the past. 

Then I heard this, which I've heard a number of times before: God doesn't call the qualified.. He qualifies the call. I was reaching out to Him, telling Him if He needed me, I was here. I had the heart and desire.. but more than anything, I wanted to be right back next to His heart. I wanted time out of my comfort zone, and out of everything I know here back in Virginia, to go and completely put myself to where I had to be pulled and twisted and TESTED back to Him. I just didn't feel qualified.. but with God, it doesn't matter. He doesn't keep glancing over my spiritual resume. He just sees my heart.. and my willingness to serve Him.

I continued with the application process..being reminded by the staff of YWAM by phone and email that they were praying for me. One email, I completely emptied my heart and told them (more of a warning!) that there were many obstacles in my way.. sickness in my family, my agoraphobia, financial difficulties, my car.. The response I received stunned me. They said they were impressed by my faith and persistence that God would bring me there. They thanked me for being so open to such sensitive subjects when I discussed my past and my hurts and where I've been. For me the past few years, I've been wrapped up in looking at just the few pieces of the puzzle in my hands I've not stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. I've heard a few times that God's strength is seen through our weakness. I hadn't thought of my own life in that way, but seeing it from someone else's point of view I saw that God's fingerprints have been all over my life. He's forming me and making me and bringing me closer to Him. I don't need to travel around the world to realize He's right here with me, and has been the whole time. 

I felt like I had had a mustard seed faith, where everyone else saw a mountain of faith...If God wanted me to go, He'd make a way. Little things started to open up and make it a bit easier for me to finish the application. I had a couple of difficult phone calls and conversations, trying to open up more about my agoraphobia and my past, and after some prayer time with the leader of the DTS, it was left to God on whether or not I was accepted. I truly thought I would hear no. I stressed for a couple of days then once again (so sad I'm realizing that this is a DAILY thing.. :) ) I had to give this to God. Praying with the YWAM staff and knowing that friends and family have been praying about this for me, gave me a lot of peace! If God didn't want me to do this, then the doors would be closed to YWAM. I didn't know if I would be going to YWAM in the near future.. or if I would be staying here and wondering what my other options are... 

Then I received the letter.. 

Hi Jessyca!

I trust you are going well. It's a delight to see your application complete and to be able to process it.


I'm still stunned and so excited over this!! Where I couldn't see at ALL that light at the end of the tunnel.. now I see enough of that light to where I'm so excited... Through this journey, I'm truly learning what Jim Elliot once said, "He is no fool who gives what he can't keep, to gain what he can't lose." I'm giving up everything.. everything I'm clinging to.. everything that will eventually go away.. to gain a stronger eternal relationship with my Heavenly Father.. and 'prayfully' be used to see a grown in the Kingdom of Heaven!

Counting it All Joy,