Friday, November 23, 2012

I carry your heart..

I think this poem is more popular than I realize! LOL But I have only recently read the whole poem and I've fallen in love with it. My sister and I are contemplating sister tattoos, and I think we're getting the first couple of lines tattooed... if I can talk her into it! :)
I'm posting it on here the same as I would post in my scrapbook. This is something I love and would like to share.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
 i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) 
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Letter to my Future Self...

It's been four years since I've been divorced.. and it's an issue now that I've come to terms with and really don't think about anymore. But my journey and struggle of who I am and who I've been and am becoming has been a daily constant. From completely down in despair where I feel like the only one holding me was my Savior.. to trying to stand up and feeling so completely unworthy of His grace... to standing on my feet and accepting my validation as a daughter of my God... to now.. taking tentative steps towards an adventure with the Love of my Life, wondering which direction He wants me to go. Life is a process.. and thankfully I have so much more than crutch... I have the Creator of the world holding my hand the whole time. Ah! I love falling in love with Him every day :)

I've spent so much time beating myself up for sins and regrets... and now that I'm moving forward, I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting in God's presence to see what's next in my life. There are a few things that I would love to do, but I'm praying and waiting. :)

I've been contemplating and praying about the whole missions thing again.. and what I need to do right now, most importantly, to work on my relationship with Him. The last few days, it's finally sunk in something that I've heard all my life: He is I AM. He is the God of Abraham, and Joseph and Daniel... this is a thought I may blog about later more in depth when it's sunk in.. but this amazes me. The same God who traveled with them.. and saw them through miracles. That God that Jonah cried out to, and Who was right there with him in the whale. The God that walked with Adam in the garden of Eden. The same God who shut the mouths of the lions for Daniel. Ah... What an amazing thought.. that the same God, is here with me.. and guiding me. He's not lost momentum... He's not half dead after centuries of miraculous wonders, etc... He's still right here fully ready to do with my life epic things. Maybe not epic by most people's standards.. but epic for the Kingdom of Heaven. My constant prayer: to learn to breathe God. :)

This morning a friend was searching through some old facebook albums of mine, and she went into one that I haven't looked at in awhile. It was a 30 day photo challenge. She clicked one picture of me I had taken a few years ago, and underneath it read:  "A picture and a letter.." I wrote it almost two years ago... and well.. it hit me pretty hard. It was like finding a message in the bottle... so here it is: I'll post it on here and maybe one day again in a couple of years I'll read it and smile again at how far I've traveled :)

Dear Two year ago self...
It's been a long road... and it's been a long time. It sometimes feels like yesterday, and sometimes feels like it never happened except in a dream. I'm so glad it's a memory.. You were stronger than you realized.. and more of a survivor than you realized. Maybe all my decisions were not right, but I am grateful for the way you stepped

up in certain situations. Momma was right.. a year or two later, I'll be able to look back and be glad that it's this far behind me.

To my future self in two years: Always remember you're tougher than what you realize... and no matter what.. how God sees you in His eyes. He holds me in the palm of His hand.. I'm precious and I'm a treasure.. no matter what happens. Anything that I don't feel I have the strength for, continue to draw from His.. I hope that in two years you're closer to our dreams and goals..."Be strong in the Lord, and never give up hope.. you're gonna do great things, God's got his hand on you, so don't live life in fear, forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here.. take your time to pray.." ♥

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Family Shoot at the Depot & A Blue Haired Bride

 Rock the Frock - My Blue Haired Bride

I wasn't sure about this one at first, but it actually became my favorite!

Utter Nonsense and Ramblings.

So it's been QUITE a while since I've updated.. I figured it was time. :)

It's been a bit rough the past couple of months, but I feel like even though my life is going through a "season" that I'm still coming out on top. It's amazing how God's right there no matter what's going on. I've studied the Bible my whole life, and I'm still getting what I need RIGHT now for THIS moment. No matter how tough it is.

So my second attempt to go on a YWAM DTS has fallen through due to a few unexpected hospital bills and a few legal matters that will keep me here until resolved. I was a bit frustrated at first.. I felt a little more connected to the girls on the Compassion team. I sent an email to the leaders and made the decision to hang back till I saw how things were going here at home. I accepted the fact that I needed to stay here and settle some things before either trying to head back on a YWAM DTS, or to take the next step where I feel God is leading me. I pray it's back on the field, because my heart is very much in love with the mission field. It's so hard not to keep pushing and rushing into that decision again, but I do think that God's teaching me to wait and have patience. There are things here that need doing in my life, that will only enhance what I can offer in the next step in my life.

In late September I went to the doctor because I had been struggling more and more with weight gain and extreme exhaustion. I also noticed my face and neck were feeling a bit puffy. He informed me that I had a thyroid problem.. which isn't uncommon, but it was a little scary at first. I was giggling when I left his office, because he informed me that I was "not normal.." Oh, dear doctor, you have no idea! He's placed me on the Mediterranean diet (this means a lot of fish. A LOT of fish... for some reason the smell is a constant reminder of my time in Japan...) and told me to start working out. My bestest friend since forever ago text me a few days later asking if I wanted to go workout with her in the gym. My first though: "Pish.. noo!" V's a quiet girl, but she knows me too well, and won't let me slack at anything. If anyone is the best at pushing me out of my comfort zone, it's V. So I agreed.. after a month of working out with her, I'm now addicted to the gym, down almost 15 pounds (wooo hoooo...), and can run a little ways!

The only thing I'm failing at is the stair-master. I'm convinced this thing hates me. I'm not sure if anyone else has tried it, or if it's intimidating to you too.. so I'll share my first time and maybe it'll encourage you to try it. I just highly suggest to tell your friends to step off their row machines/treadmills/elliptical's before you hop on. So this thing.. the screen is pretty high (I'm 5'3")... and like most gym equipment, you have to get the machine started, before you punch in what you want your workout to be and how long, etc. etc. Not a problem if you're tall.. or coordinated. I start climbing and it's easy enough.. yeah I can do this.. Then I try to punch the screen... I slowly start sinking... I grab on and start climbing again. Once I've got it, I try to punch again. I start sinking again. Finally I just sink and tippy toe up so I can peek at the screen and hope I'm punching the right numbers. I probably put it on the highest level and said I weighed 85 pounds... so I try to start climbing again. Every time I got high enough to see the screen.. I saw a flashing "Walk faster." I don't think so, dude. I was either on the floor trying to work my way up, or up at the top leaning heavily on the pole to try and keep it up there.. I finally sunk back down and decided to go try the row machine. Thank goodness no one else was in there!!

I did a family shoot the other day.. and I mean FAMILY shoot :) I did a session with my cousin and her family and kids. It was a bit chilly and overcast, but perfect for the pictures. I'll be posting them up in a bit!!

I had the chance to go to a bookstore, first time since forever... I may have gone a bit crazy (crazy by my standards and means of budget!). I found a huge section of Francine Rivers books.. to which I flipped! Francine Rivers to me is one of the most awesomest Christian writers! She takes stories from the Bible and turns them into clear images set in either modern day time or in their own place in history. I saw a book of different women in the Bible which I would love to get eventually, but the one I bought was called "Redeeming Love." It takes place in the 1800s, in a small gold mining community. The books main character, Michael Hosea, sees a woman named Angel, and feels God press on his heart that he's to marry her. Hosea finds out later that Angel is the town's most desired prostitute. He first believes that this is just his mind playing tricks on him, but he keeps feeling God tell him to pursue her. I started reading this book several years ago and had to return it before I could get too far into it, but just from the first few chapters, this book was completely captivating and romantic, not just in the way that Hosea pursued Angel, but the way God's love is portrayed through Hosea's love and grace towards Angel. I can't wait to read it again!
The other purchase was a Frank Peretti.. we've been huge fans since I was young. This one was called Illusion. Not so much spiritual warfare versus demons and angels like the other Peretti books I had read growing up.. This one was about a couple who had made their living as magicians in Las Vegas. After a horrible car accident, the man retires to a farm, but he runs into a 19 year old version of his dead wife. You pick up the wife's story when she was 19 in 1971 and somehow transports to a time of cell phones and laptops and something called google. It was so creative that I had a REALLY hard time putting this one down! I think a few days I only got about four hours of sleep because I wanted to see what would happen next! It's a long book too, so it lasts awhile reading wise! I loved it! So I recommend that one.

Movies: I watched Snow White and the Huntsman. It was pretty gory, could have been better. I for one like Kristen Stewart, but I think her character could have had more depth to the part. We also watched Man on the Ledge. I want to own this one! I've seen it two or three times now. I love dramas like this that have a lot of intrigue and mystery and a "wait.. what??" factor at the end of it. Then we also watched an old one "Inception." with Leonardo DiCaprio. I have to say that I watched it several times over. I liked it from the first viewing, but there was a LOT of depth and things I missed the first time. I don't suggest watching this one right before you go to sleep.. because I kept dreaming something along the lines of the movie! LOL

For now, I'm closing. Check the family shoot pictures, and I'm also posting the finished versions of the blue hair bride shoot. 

Next time I'll talk about something fun. Like pinterest.