Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Letter to my Future Self...

It's been four years since I've been divorced.. and it's an issue now that I've come to terms with and really don't think about anymore. But my journey and struggle of who I am and who I've been and am becoming has been a daily constant. From completely down in despair where I feel like the only one holding me was my Savior.. to trying to stand up and feeling so completely unworthy of His grace... to standing on my feet and accepting my validation as a daughter of my God... to now.. taking tentative steps towards an adventure with the Love of my Life, wondering which direction He wants me to go. Life is a process.. and thankfully I have so much more than crutch... I have the Creator of the world holding my hand the whole time. Ah! I love falling in love with Him every day :)

I've spent so much time beating myself up for sins and regrets... and now that I'm moving forward, I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting in God's presence to see what's next in my life. There are a few things that I would love to do, but I'm praying and waiting. :)

I've been contemplating and praying about the whole missions thing again.. and what I need to do right now, most importantly, to work on my relationship with Him. The last few days, it's finally sunk in something that I've heard all my life: He is I AM. He is the God of Abraham, and Joseph and Daniel... this is a thought I may blog about later more in depth when it's sunk in.. but this amazes me. The same God who traveled with them.. and saw them through miracles. That God that Jonah cried out to, and Who was right there with him in the whale. The God that walked with Adam in the garden of Eden. The same God who shut the mouths of the lions for Daniel. Ah... What an amazing thought.. that the same God, is here with me.. and guiding me. He's not lost momentum... He's not half dead after centuries of miraculous wonders, etc... He's still right here fully ready to do with my life epic things. Maybe not epic by most people's standards.. but epic for the Kingdom of Heaven. My constant prayer: to learn to breathe God. :)

This morning a friend was searching through some old facebook albums of mine, and she went into one that I haven't looked at in awhile. It was a 30 day photo challenge. She clicked one picture of me I had taken a few years ago, and underneath it read:  "A picture and a letter.." I wrote it almost two years ago... and well.. it hit me pretty hard. It was like finding a message in the bottle... so here it is: I'll post it on here and maybe one day again in a couple of years I'll read it and smile again at how far I've traveled :)

Dear Two year ago self...
It's been a long road... and it's been a long time. It sometimes feels like yesterday, and sometimes feels like it never happened except in a dream. I'm so glad it's a memory.. You were stronger than you realized.. and more of a survivor than you realized. Maybe all my decisions were not right, but I am grateful for the way you stepped

up in certain situations. Momma was right.. a year or two later, I'll be able to look back and be glad that it's this far behind me.

To my future self in two years: Always remember you're tougher than what you realize... and no matter what.. how God sees you in His eyes. He holds me in the palm of His hand.. I'm precious and I'm a treasure.. no matter what happens. Anything that I don't feel I have the strength for, continue to draw from His.. I hope that in two years you're closer to our dreams and goals..."Be strong in the Lord, and never give up hope.. you're gonna do great things, God's got his hand on you, so don't live life in fear, forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here.. take your time to pray.." ♥

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