I have said several times that I wish that I could meet myself. Step outside my body and watch me through my day and as I meet people and then come up and shake my hand and get to know me. What do people see? I know what I want portrayed.. and who I am by my thoughts, but how do other people see me? I want more than anything for them to look at me and see a mirror image of Christ. My goal is to become a godly woman, and for people to want what I have.. which is the the joy and peace of Jesus in me.
As I said in the last blog, I've really been going through a lot lately.. and I did something most Christians try to avoid: I asked God why. I'm dealing with mourning for someone who was close... I'm dealing with a new relationship with my father. I'm dealing with a new job.. and realizing I'm not going to be able to control my life by trying to steer it my way. Every time I step up and try to control what's going on in my life, things happen beyond my control that just reminds me again that life is life, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm learning God's ways aren't my ways.. and even if I don't understand WHY things happen.. and WHY I can't have my way.. and WHY God brings people in my life at certain times and WHY and what is my purpose with certain people and situations.. it's all apart of a bigger picture. The past week I've learned more about myself, and I'm feeling like the closer I move to God.. the more I see myself.
I was feeling bummed about not being able to go on the Creative DTS, but I have been thinking about how the work with Compassion is a lot more advanced then the ministry I've done in the past. My main purpose and goal is to take myself out of the rat race I feel stuck in, and shift my universe from my bills to my God. As a Christian, that's the most important relationship I have, and it's slipping, and I want to fight for it. I think maybe if I lay aside everything... even my photography, it'll help me focus a bit more. Instead of spending 6 months focusing on God and my photography.
I'm not sure exactly why things are happening, but I do see that despite everything.. God knows, and He is still molding me into a woman of God. And that's what I need to realize and stay close to.
I'm slowly seeing answers to my prayers.. but I am still struggling with mainly the financial aspects. I'm really hoping also to find a new church family who I feel comfortable with asking to surround me with prayer, as well as finding prayer partners while I'm overseas. As every missions trip, it feels very up and down and one step forward five steps back kind of process. It touches my life in every way.. but more than anything, my focus is on Jesus and to be faithful to Him.